Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Eye of the Storm

Not even two months into transition and I'm already praying for the day when this is all over. The day when I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile from ear to ear no matter what part of myself I see. The day when I join my brothers in the "100% passing" club. Actually, it should be called the "No Longer Misread" club only because I am at odds with the term 'passing' right now. For me it implies posing and I for one am not a poser. Not since coming to terms with my male identity anyway.

What really sucks is that my first 6 months on T coincides with how long I'll be without a driver's license. I wish I could take that night back...I wish I could take back all the stupidity that occurred before, during, and after that.

And dumbass has lost my State ID, the only other source of legal identification when using my credit or debit card. Granted I can go to the state office and get a new one, but I haven't even had it long and I've already misplaced it. To top it off, my car battery died earlier in the day. Thankfully I was able to get a jump and make it home safely, but now I can't get it start up again. Mom was being a grouch about it earlier today and I haven't had a physical conversation with my Dad since getting my new phone on I'm lost and thinking I just need to find my own way to get the battery and install the thing myself. Or tell my dad about it in the morning. He'll be at work, but at least having another conversation with him via text messaging will mean another step towards having a civil personal conversation later.

In the mean time, I have two legs, money for bus rides, and an mp3 player. I'm not worried about getting around, but I'm going to miss the convenience of having a car taking me hither and thither about.

There are so many thoughts running in my mind. It's so weird to watch life move in such a crazy, fanatic fashion all around me and yet in my heart I am calm. Depressed and lonely at times, but generally calm. My own little eye of the proverbial storm of life. Life is hectic as it is, but adding on the extra steps of transitioning just makes the equation even more complex.

No one else that I know of personally has ever had to deal with the negative effects of being misread or mislabeled. Most open-minded folk (such as my friends and a few of my coworkers) would just laugh and shrug if some cashier called them the wrong gender pronoun. If they do react, it would probably be because they feel offended and not heartbroken. For me, every time someone uses the world "girl" or "she" when referring to me my heart sinks and I feel a part of me just shrivel up inside. This occurrence ebbs and flows throughout any given day to the point where I come home feeling like an overused accordion.

Then I've got the people who are gracious enough to listen to me rant and rave about the goings on in my life, but later on they treat me like I'm being melodramatic and overly-sensitive. Seriously, can anyone really blame me for being sensitive about my life right now? I'm caught between two worlds, the one occupied solely by me and the one I'm forced to share with others. I'm trying to open my world up to everyone else by way of transition, but others don't seem to care about my world.

The only one that has cared and been as committed to this transition as I am is the woman who helped me start my transition in the first place. While I don't feel safe being her boyfriend while we have a long-distance gap between us, I do feel safe knowing she sees me for who I am. She was there when I (as "she") died and I (as Cyrus) stood in "her" place. She understands the disconnect that I see and feel between who I am in my heart and who the rest of the world thinks I am. She is everything I could ever ask for in the way of moral support even though we are separated by half an ocean and three quarters of a continent.

Despite her love and support, I know I have a lot to work on within myself. Not just with me dealing with transitioning and having to deal with people dealing with my transition, but the normal day-to-day things as well. Things that I fear might get loss if I focus too much on my transition. Things like college and saving up money for things like traveling and buying a new car audio system. I don't want transition to run my life, but right now in these early stages I can't help but be caught up in it.

Needless to say, sitting in the eye is just a sad consolation prize. All I want is this storm to be over.

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