Coming Out

Leading Up To It

Coming out as trans has been harder yet more satisfying than when I came out as a lesbian. Even if I didn't automatically tell people I was one, people were quick to assume just because my arms would be around the girl I was dating at the time or I expressed more sexual interest in women than in men. Plus, I passed off as the "butchy" type anyway, which further sped assumptions right along. And that was all well and easy for me. When I would meet straight guys who try to hit on me until they found out I'm into girls, they would either A.) Walk away B.) Ask me for advice on how to get girls or C.) Do the really lame thing of proceeding to hit on me. Thankfully, option C didn't happen too often, cause that's when I'd start emasculating them.

It wasn't until I worked at a restaurant and was constantly hit on or cat-called by men at the bar that I started to get furious. Words like "babe" and "sweetie" would set me off into an angry frenzy when mouthed by men. But eventually other words like "ma'am", "miss", or "girl/girlie" spoken from either gender began to upset me as well. It was at that time (2007-2008ish) that I was accepting my masculinity more and embracing my long-time childhood desire of being "a lady's man". It was then that being seen as a girl-who-likes-girls couldn't have been any further from the truth.

Coming Out to the Woman Who Loved Me Regardless

That didn't take much work. I had introduced her to Dan Savage's podcasts and brought up the one about Buck Angel, the FtM pornstar. There were small conversations about it here and there, but nothing major as I myself wasn't sure where I was going with that information. I continued to do more research into FtM transgenderism and the more I learned about it, the more I realized my life made sense. I always felt like a man in principle and theory, but wasn't allowed to fully embrace that because of my being assigned female at birth. However, as the days went on I felt strongly that the path that I was about to embark on has been the path I've been searching for my whole life. Every step I took prior to this always felt like I still had somethings missing, some unknown greatness that I have the potential to achieve but have yet to obtain it. As I stood on the verge of unlocking that hidden door to my heart, Paula was right there with open arms and a loving heart. She knew from our conversations that I would come out to her some day, but patiently waited until I was ready. When I did, she was the first person to love me as Cyrus.

Sadly, one month later, we were no longer together. In discovering who I really was, I also came to terms with past romantic feelings that I have been unable to shake for the last decade. As much as I loved Paula, there was a love I kept hidden away that could not be denied any longer. My first heartbreak as Cyrus was a devastating one for us both, but she still remains and will always be one of the most cherished and important people in my life. Words can not describe the gratitude and love I have for her, even if that love is not the same as the one I felt as my prior self.

Coming Out to My First Love

Happened about the same time as I came out to my friends on Facebook. She Instant-Messaged me one day saying "Does your status update on FB says what I think it says? O.O" and the conversations took off from there. Christine was my very first girlfriend a little over ten years ago when we were both dumb and young in our mid-teens. The breakup was bitter and horrible, but in the years that followed we continued to send signals that we had feelings for each other still. I had made several previous attempts to get back with her, but to no avail due to outside circumstances beyond our control.

When it came time for Cyrus to start taking the reigns of my life, it seemed only natural that I should come to terms with my feelings for Christine as well. Even if it meant breaking Paula's heart, I knew I couldn't go another ten years holding on to lingering emotions.

Currently, we are not together. Not too sure what more I can say about that except to say that I'm still in love with her. Beyond that...meh *shrug*

Coming Out to My Mother

When I first told her about me wanting to be a boy (May 2010), she seemed supportive but didn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. It was until I told her about my first injection that she realized things were going to change. Naturally, she's been supportive but not without dropping a few hurtful phrases or two.

In time, I know, she'll come around.

Coming Out to My Coworkers

They've all been supportive. Currently, they're all taking to the name change pretty well but still adjusting to the pronoun change. Only one person (the first coworker I told) has comfortably uses my name and correct pronoun around me so far, but I know the others will get there.

Coming Out to My Father

I did so via email and avoided him for about two weeks for fear of what he could possibly say. We ended up talking after my car needed a new battery and he said he loves me and has been worried about me. He thought I had become so depressed that he was afraid to come home one day to find that I hung myself. He said it's gonna take time to adjust, but eventually he will. Umm, so far (as of 9/2/10) he's still not using my name, but oh well.