Sunday, June 6, 2010

Honesty is the best policy...

...even if the truth is a sonuvabitch.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be." -- Anonymous

I'm figuring out very quickly that there's a difference between "meant to be" and "meant to last". Take my relationship history, for example. They were all meant to be because they happened, but they weren't meant to last because they didn't. The worst one is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I compare it to a married couple whom one of the partners comes out as gay or trans. It devastates everyone involved once the truth comes out but...what if the truth hadn't? The partner that comes out may love their spouse so much that they were willing to suffer quietly on the inside, but how can one stand to live with themselves if they're living in pain?

I'm sick and tired of closets and the skeletons that lurk within. All I want to do is to live my life free of both, even at the cost of being seen as a traitor or an asshole. Hey, at least I can call myself out on own BS. I would rather be hated for being honest than hated for being dishonest. And honestly...I really don't care if I end up walking this path alone. There will be someone out there someday who will be able to look at what I've done and say, "You followed your heart. No one can fault you for it." Until then, people can throw all the tomatoes they want at me.

Am I really selfish for wanting to do what I feel is right? If any of my exes had been nearly as honest and upfront about their stupidity as I am about mine, then maybe I would've hated them a whole lot less. I wish someone would understand that someone didn't just show up in my life out of nowhere and caused this. The truth is that I've held on to past feelings and that has affected every relationship I've been in since. I kept trying to give my whole heart to others when I did not have a whole heart to give. People won't understand because most of them don't know about it. It wasn't for them to know.

I wish someone could see what I see. I see that I could potentially be making yet another big mistake in my life, but I believe that I will be a better person for standing up for myself. I'm not saying I'm without heart, because mines is breaking even as I write this. I'm beginning to wonder if my tear ducts are shot because I've cried so much already. And yet...I've done everything I can to be understanding of other people's thoughts and feelings...why am I not shown the same regard?

I'm not afraid of walking this path alone. At least I'm doing it with my own two feet.If someone wants to find me, they wouldn't have to look far. This invisible man is not hiding anymore.

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